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Saddler Sam

If you have any questions email Saddler Sam and he will answer in our next update!

Also availble are signed copies of "The Complete Works of Saddler Sam Volume I" simply email Saddler Sam and he will send you more details.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I remember reading last year that you were going to write a book about your experiences in the saddlery industry.
Did you ever finish it and, if so, where can I buy it?
I would love to read it because I think it would be great to have a book telling the story of our trade. Is it fiction or non fiction?

Saddler Sam Fan
Melbourne
P.S. Don't take any notice of what people say - keep up the good work.

Dear Saddler Sam Fan,
Thank you very much for your kind words, I know there are people out there who like my work and it is pleasing to hear from both of you.
As to the book, yes, it is finished but it has been held up at the publishers so I am sorry you'll have to wait for a little longer.
It is a fictitious novel but is largely based on my own experiences. As a special treat for ASN readers the publisher has given us permission to reprint a portion of the book in this column so you can have a small taste of what to expect. Hope you enjoy it and be patient, it will be out soon.
This action is set at a riding school run by a man of dubious repute and is taking place as I am passing by on my way to the tack room.
..........My mind was anywhere else as I strolled across the verdant grass that wintery morning. The dew sparkled and splashed as my feet kicked a path towards old Bill's shed. It was his questionable tack I was thinking of as I passed by old Bill himself in conversation with an apparently new student of his school. From what I could hear she at least had the common sense to question the state of some of his gear, although lacking the knowledge required to match it with a hard head like old Bill. I thought I'd pass by a little closer in case the young lady student could use a hand in dealing with the finer points of saddlery and its condition in regard to safety.
"But don't you think these holes are beginning to stretch a little too far," the young lady said as she held up the near side girth point. Bill's face twisted a little as he roughly grabbed the point from her hand.
"Looks fine to me, and I've been doing this for a long time you know. Haven't lost anyone yet," he rumbled.
"Well I'm sorry for being a little picky but I'd hate to be the first," she replied nervously with a small giggle.
"No you're quite right to check out the gear you're going to use on your first lesson, but believe me I wouldn't send anyone out on a horse with tack I would not use myself. As a matter of fact, just this morning my own daughter went for a ride on this pony using this very saddle and bridle," said the old trainer as he dusted off a small cobweb from under the stirrup bar.
I laughed out loud. "But Old Bill, you don't have a daughter," I called out as I strolled up to stand beside his young pupil.
"Who asked you..." he snapped as he turned to look for the interjector.
"I should have known, bloody Saddler Sam, sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong."
"And just as well," I said as I lifted the flap of the saddle to reveal one of the dodgiest sets of girth points I'd seen for a long while.
"Look at the state of these points you old liar. The holes are so stretched they've almost joined. And just take a look at the thread holding them on. I use heavier thread than that to floss my teeth." I turned to the young lady now standing at my side looking admiringly at me. "You were quite right to question the state of this saddle Miss, it is obviously not safe. I'll see to it that it is not used until it is seen to by one of our tradesmen. And as for you Old Bill," I squinted as I pointed straight at him, "if I see you trying to pull a stunt like this again I'll see to it that there won't be a saddler for miles who will come anywhere near this place, and we'll see how long you last then!"
"Bloody do-gooder. Why don't you just go back to the bench you crawled out from under and let me get on with my business. I've got a lesson to give," he spat out from between gritted teeth.
"I mean it Bill. Either get your gear in order or saddlers and their craft will be just a memory for you," I replied.
"Ahhhh. Lesson's off today lady. You can thank your friend here," he snarled as he crooked a thumb at me and stormed away towards his shed.
"I am sorry about that Miss.....?" I enquired as I turned back to face the young lady.
"Oh.....it's Williams and it's quite alright, I really should be thanking you," she replied with a smile.
I smiled back. "No that's okay. You'll find as you get into this business that most saddlers do what they can to help out. It's all in a day's work."
She shook her head. "No, please, you were a big help just then and I would really like to repay you. How about dinner? Are you free tonight?"
I looked around to see Old Bill's retreating form and silently thanked the old scoundrel.
(c) Reprinted by permission

Dear Saddler Sam,
As a regular reader of AustralAsian Saddlery News, I was very interested to read the correspondence printed in last month's letters column.
The letter was from Mr Tom Hazell of Gymkhana Equestrian Supplies and he vehemently denies he is not responsible for your column and is not Saddler Sam. I would also like to categorically state that I am not responsible for this column and that I am not Saddler Sam either.
Thank you for allowing me to clear the air on this matter.
Paul Keating

Dear Mr Keating,
Thank you very much for taking the time to write to me regarding this subject. Yours is now another name we can cross off the list of possible "Sams." Your letter was just one of many I received denying any connection. Among the many others who wrote to me since the publication of Mr Hazell's letter were Benezear Bhutto, O.J. Simpson, Slim Dusty, Butross Butross Ghali, Oliver North, Nelson Mandela, Diego Maradona, the entire woodwind section of the Sydney Symphony Orchestra, H.R.H. Prince Phillip (twice), Shane Warne, Christopher Skase (a frank and surprising revelation), Wally Lewis, Bob Hawke (although he only wrote to see his name printed in this column), Jane Fonda and Newt Gingrich.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I reckon you've got a bit of a Pommy attitude about you, so maybe you can answer a question for me.
Why is it that in most English strapping the threads are not pulled in tight flush with the leathers?
Is it because they are all weak pansies and don't like the occasional thread cut into their pinky's, or is it that when the leather swells, the thread doesn't stretch in line with the leather and therefore weakens it along the line of stitching.
I have seen very old and dry articles of strapping, when dropped in a drum of water, swell to the point of breaking the stitches.
Is there any theory in this or is it the ramblings of a drunk?
Puddin, NSW.

Dear Puddin,
Well, if it's the drink, I'd check what chemicals are in the last batch of stain you made up. I'm curious to know what possesses you to throw strapping into drums of water. And you reckon I'm the one with a pommy attitude!
Back to your question. I'd say the main cause for the raised stitching is the predominance of pure linen thread used in English saddlery.
As you are no doubt aware, it (unlike synthetic threads) takes up moisture and swells which is probably the cause of the problem.
Anyway, it is a more politically correct explanation than calling all English saddlers a bunch of nancy boys with tender little fingers.
French saddlers . . . that's another story!

Dear Saddler Sam,
As an Australian concerned about our future, I feel it is time you addressed the problem of the French exploding bombs in our backyard.
I think it is up to people like you to spread the disappointment and dissent we all feel, and it behoves you to suggest to your readers ways in which they can protest effectively.
In our shop we have put up signs deploring the actions of the French and have officially renamed our French snaffles "Western European Snaffles."
As you can see we're doing our bit, but how do you suggest shopowners try to get the message through to these arrogant people.
Outraged, Rockhampton.

Dear Outraged,
Sacre bleu, you really know how to hit them where it hurts. I don't think we need do anymore. By the time it hits back to the powers that be in France you will have pulled out all stops. Why, they'll poo their pantaloons and stop the tests immediately.
As for my suggestions, I'm going in tough as well and hitting them hard. I've decided not to use the word "reservoir" for a month. (Damn, I just did.)

Dear Saddler Sam,
As a member of AETA, I was a little disappointed in your last issue's AETA article in which a number of reasons for joining were pointed out to your readers. Disappointed because, it appeared to me the same old arguments were trotted out again.
They will no doubt engender the same old doubts and rationalisations that some will see as reasons not to join. I believe that by looking to other organisations we might be able to come up with some ideas that will entice more shopowners to join.
Why not bring in a ranking system that one could aspire to by signing up more members or by length of service. In this way we could tell from a person's rank whether or not they are active members and deal with them accordingly.
For example, Sergeant Bill Smith from Orange meets Captain Bob Smith from Wagga and is immediately impressed by his officer status and resolves henceforth to do more for the Association. I think it would work, what do you think?
Officer Material, Melbourne.
P.S. Next month I'll write to you outlining my plans for a secret salute and handshake.

Dear Officer Material,
Would your military-based organisation have within its charter the facility to court martial its members on the grounds of sheer stupidity? For your sake, I hope not.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I am a local saddler who has always prided myself on being a traditionalist, and as you are always pushing the old traditional saddlery methods. I urgently need your advice, you see, I cut my hand fairly badly with a round knife and rather than take the easy way out and go to hospital to have it stitched up, I'd prefer to use the old methods that have served our industry well over the years.
I'm sure you'll know the old tried and true practices of first aid using supplies at hand. I'd appreciate it if you could answer this letter as soon as you can as I believe the wound is fairly serious and should be treated with some urgency (if that's okay with you and doesn't buck tradition).
Lefty, Roma.

Dear Lefty,
As you are probably aware, blood poisoning, septicaemia and unnecessary amputations are part of the saddlery tradition so you are right not to rush into anything.
I have seen a number of accepted methods used in our industry through the years but they all have requirements essential for classification as "traditional treatment".
These are:
1. Unnecessary pain.
2. They must take no more than four minutes out of one's work time.
3. A complete disregard for the word "sterilise," only using equipment specifically NOT designed for medical use of any sort.
4. Must be dangerously ineffective.
I have witnessed a number methods that fulfil these criteria, including- using a creasing iron to cauterise a wound, or wrapping a cut tightly with machine thread and dipping it in kero, but for sheer theatrics I doubt you could surpass this method I recently witnessed in a local workshop.
After cutting his hand making a breastplate, the saddler first melted bees wax over it to temporarily seal it.
Then, while stitching the breastplate, he ingeniously continued to include his wound using the same thread.
To finish off the treatment and kill off any infection, he tied a length of one inch webbing around his hand, doused it in metholated spirits and lit it.
To add to the occasion, while it burned he managed to belt out two verses of "Smoke gets in your Eyes," before extinguishing his blazing hand.
I hope this helps you, although it has been three weeks since I received your letter. Perhaps a more radical approach may be necessary.

Dear Sadder Sam,
After reading the letter in your last column regarding a correspondent's proposal for granting of ranks to AETA members, I believed it must have been a bad joke.
But, after I realised the writer was serious, I gave the matter some thought and now believe the concept has real merit and could work.
I'd just like to add my suggestion to enhance our association's standing in the industry. Why not also issue uniforms to go with membership and rankings? I think a well-tailored and attractive uniform would do wonders for our image and could also improve our profile, maybe even attract new members who may simply appreciate the wearing of a smart uniform.
It's just a thought, but I'd like to think the powers that be might consider it.
F. B. Freemantle

Dear F.B.,
What is it with you people? Next thing, it'll be hand weapons. Maybe that's not such a bad idea. It would "encourage" a few more members, although why anyone would want to meet up with you two fruitcakes is beyond me.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I just had to write to let you know about an interesting project I recently undertook. I purchased a do-it-yourself miniature saddle-making kit and, with your monthly words of wisdom rattling in my head, resolved to finish it all by myself or die trying.
Upon opening the packet and glancing at the instructions I was confronted by my first problem, namely the list of tools required. Well, I thought to myself, if I'm going to do this I'll to do it right. So armed with my list, I went to my local saddler.
After he had stopped laughing, he was able to sell me some of the tools I needed, but then told me the others were only available overseas.
Undaunted, I found the supplier and imported the remaining tools.
I was all set to start, but reading the instructions further, I found myself totally confused by the terms and methods used.
I wasn't going to let a little thing like complete ignorance get in my way, so I decided to take a course in saddlery at the local TAFE. Three months later, armed with my new tools and a diploma, I again opened the bag containing my DIY kit.
I started. Step 1..... no problem. Step 2..... easy, Step 3 .....ditto and so on and so on. I've done it, I thought to myself.
The person who wrote "Pride comes before a fall" obviously had Step 24 in mind. If I can be called anything, it's determined, so I worked at the problem.
I tried everything I had learned plus plenty that I hadn't, but still Step 24 remained my Everest, unconquered and immovable.
There obviously had to be a way around it and I was not going to rest until I beat it. For four days and nights I sat at my bench, away from my food, family, work and sleep, but still Step 25 mercilessly beckoned.
It was at this time I began losing my grip on the real world because I was now talking to my half completed DIY miniature saddle. I believe I finished my slide into insanity the day it began talking back to me.
I was convinced of this when I heard it call me a "hopeless buffoon" and attempted to strangle it.
That was just before I set it alight, about half an hour before the flames spread to engulf three rooms of my house.
Did I tell you the kit only cost me $15? No, I thought not.
J.D. Adelaide.
P.S. My life is pretty well back to normal now. I'm out of therapy, the builders have finished restoring the house and my wife says she may consider coming home next year some time.

Dear J.D.
I don't know how many times I have to tell you people, this is not a trade for the faint-hearted. And I'll say it one last time, if you see the words "do it yourself," "instructions enclosed," and "easy assembly" in the same paragraph, be warned!

Dear Saddler Sam,
Please give me your opinion of a device I invented to help calm unruly horses. I have enclosed a photo of it and a list of technical specifications.
As you can see, it's a simple apparatus that can be held in one hand, leaving the other free for controlling the horse.
It has no moving parts, does not require oiling, is environmentally friendly, and being of a baked vitreous nature, is very hard wearing. For maximum benefits, its main area of application would be on the poll of the horse, but if the situation demanded, it could be applied on various parts of the horse's visage.
I believe I'm on a winner and want to patent the idea, but I'd like an expert to cast an eye over it before I go in too deep. What do you think, is it a goer?
A E ,Wollongong.

Dear A E
Whilst I applaud your obvious enthusiasm for your idea and "invention," I can hardly give you the thumbs up for something that has been already used by many riders for years (myself included).
You see, although your device has been painted bright blue and has the name "SURE STOP" emblazoned on its face, you can't disguise the fact that it's a house brick can you? Like I always say, in saddlery there is nothing new under the sun.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I recently went to a two-day sales seminar that was also attended by many well-respected shop owners.
As it was the first one I had been to, I hoped to profit from the information disseminated and looked forward to cramming as much work in as possible. I assumed all my fellow proprietors were of the same mind. Boy, how wrong I was. It started out fine right up until the morning tea break on the first day, the moment a platter of cakes was brought into the conference centre.
I'd assumed they were for eating, but soon learnt the last place you put them was in your mouth.
No, the round ones are for throwing and bouncing pies are for ground skimming and the donuts are used exclusively by the men for "decorative" purposes. Within 30 minutes the hall resembled a silent film set.
From then on the entire weekend slowly degenerated into mayhem and madness, and I flew home with a feeling that I had just spent a week inside a Peter Greenaway film. What was supposed to be a retailing seminar was in fact a total of one hour's work and an excuse for people to go feral. I thought I'd best warn you in case you were ever invited to speak at one in the future.
Kathy, Queensland.

Dear Kathy, I don't know what you're complaining about. What you have just described sounds like every sales seminar I have ever attended. In fact, you were pretty lucky and must have had a bunch of bookworms with you. An hour's work is almost unheard of.

Dear Saddler Sam
What do you know about the phenomenon of "horse whispering"? After reading about it in a best-selling novel, I was wondering if anyone practised it in Australia? Naturally, I thought if anyone would know about it, it would be you, so what can you tell me? I'm sure all our readers would like to hear of your experiences.
D. H., Lilyfield, N.S.W.

Dear D.H.
What can I say except, you have come to the right person.
Not only do I know about the practice, I have also done quite a bit of horse-whispering myself. Many times I've casually wandered through a paddock only to end up having a deep and meaningful discussion with a horse.
I remember once chatting to an Arab stallion about the problems in the Middle East and the possibility of lasting peace.
Another time I was bailed up by a thoroughbred that wouldn't shut up about the colour and design of his stable.
But probably my worst experience in the realms of horse-whispering was the day I was confronted by a horse that was hopelessly deluded that it owned a 28-ft aluminium boat. It described it in painful detail and kept asking me to find time one weekend to join him for a "spot of fishing".
I only got away when he went into his stable to look for his photo albums. So, when it comes to horse-whispering my advice is be careful, there are some horses out there that are as stupid as anyone involved in the saddlery industry that you might care to name.

Dear Saddler Sam
For many years now I have been teaching a saddlery course at our local TAFE. My problem is the large number of dropouts we have, as opposed to the number of people who complete the full course.
We have found the main problem cited by these people was they found the course dull. I have always prided myself on being able to make even the most mundane subject interesting, so I found this criticism quite unfounded.
Take for example the day on which I was to teach the dynamics of sharpening a skiver blade. My students and I were looking forward to this interesting lesson and would have enjoyed it had it not been for the problem with my car.
Although, I really shouldn't blame my car for a problem caused by my mother. Well, to be precise, it was my mother's cat.
You see she has had problems with her feet for years and no-one has been able to do anything for her, so she can't get around very much - my mother that is, not the cat, her trouble has always been with her "other parts" as my mother likes to call them. "Other than what," I always replied as a sort of standing joke. She always laughed at that, when she listened to me that is, which isn't all that often come to think of it. Where was I, oh yes, back to the car, as I was saying . . . . .
Roy, Bunderra

Dear Roy,
HELP! I give up! That letter continued for another three pages and I had to read it, but I wouldn't put any of you through it. Not without prior counselling. The scary thing is that this man is a teacher for god's sake - and he handles sharp knives! Roy you're sick, get some help before you are declared some sort of public health hazard.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I have an employee who is no longer required. My problem is that I'm finding it very difficult to fire him. Can you help me by suggesting the best way to go about it?
S.C. Fitzroy.

Dear S.C.
Yea I can help you. In fact I have recently completed a book on the subject that will be in bookstores any day now. It is entitles "Saddle Up Partner - The Sunset's Thataway".
Drawing on my experiences it sets out the rights and wrongs of the subject as well as giving actual examples from the industry. From the forthright "get out, you're finished," through to the cryptic "what are your plans for tomorrow", all manner of firing lines are covered.
So get out and buy the book, but in the meantime try a few hints to let your staff member know he may no longer be required.
Small things like changing the alarm code without telling him or each time you cross paths subtly mumble something like "you bloodsucking scum." He may eventually get the message.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I am concerned that our local saddler is not doing the right thing by horse owners and riders in our district.
His methods have always been questionable and until now we simply thought it was the way tradesmen worked. But, after personally witnessing the latest exhibition of his saddlery skills, I thought it wise to consult you to get a proffessional opinion. I took a saddle to him which required two new girth points. It was old, but was in good condition, has always been looked after and appeared to have a few good years of riding left in it.
He looked at it and told me to throw it away, telling me it was an "eyesore" and that just looking at it made him feel "sick to his stomach".
I thought he was over-reacting somewhat, but it was in fact very mild compared to what he did next.
Upon seeing my reluctance to follow his instructions he appeared to get very agitated and grabbed the saddle, saying: "Well if you don't do it, I will" and he marched out through his shop to his backyard.
There upon he threw the saddle on the ground, picked up a nearby length of pipe and attacked my saddle in a fit of rage, all the time yelling things like "Kill it, kill it!" and "Die you filthy scum!"
He eventually stopped, threw down the pipe, calmly picked up the remains of my saddle and handed it to me saying there would be no charge.
I was stunned, eventually leaving with my battered saddle for hime but now I am wondering whether this was acceptable behavior. What do you think, is this the way a professional saddler should conduct his business?
J.H. Sydney.

Dear J.H.,
No, definately not, This is not the way saddlers should conduct their business and if I have my way I will see that this man is spoken to by the association. You should have been charged something, By offering his services free he could set some sort of precedent and before you know it everyone will want similar work done for free.

Dear Saddler Sam
Greetings from Hamburg! I and my co-workers believe we are the first correspondents you have had from a country other than your own.
We read your column on our computer by accessing your internet page and we think you're a funny guy, so we decided to write to you.
And we'd also like to put paid to the idea that we Germans don't have a sense of humour.
In fact, after reading your last column, I laughed four times, Hans chuckled to himself for 26 seconds and Gunther, the least boisterous, was seen to smile, nod his head and say "Ja" twice.
We remained in a frivolous mood for 32 minutes. Could you come and work over here with us?
We think our crazy workshop would be just right for you to work in. Please let us know soon as we believe Gunther is planning to start his own advice column called "What do you Want!" and we are frightened it may contain some not-so-lighthearted replies.
Gert, Hamburg, Germany

Dear Gert
I don't even think my blood pressure could take so much fun, and besides, even an old hand like me must know when to sit down and take a back seat to a pro. Old Gunther sounds like a parade waiting to happen. If I were you, I'd let him have his head, it may be safer.

Dear Saddler Sam
What do you think of this idea? I hit upon it while waiting in my bank the other day. Immediately inside the front of my shop I have set up some posts with rope strung between them, leaving just one opening.
On the post next to the opening I have put a sign telling customers to wait until they are called.
I tell you Sam, it's a scream! I don't know what it does for business, but it sure makes coming to work a lot more fun.
The look on people's faces as they stand at the front of an empty shop while I pretend to be too busy to notice them is priceless.
I recommend any saddler try it, and if you do, here are some tips. Make sure you don't acknowledge their presence until you want to.
Don't ever relax your standard, and simply ask them to "come on in," and always call out "next please" in an official tone.
If you are ever asked why the scheme has been introduced, always tell them that "when this place gets busy it's the only way to control things," regardless of the size of your shop or customer base.
By following these few tips you'll be guaranteed hours of fun, and honestly, you won't believe the time some people wait to be called.
I hope your readers find my experience useful in the interest of better business.
Gary, Dunedoo.

Dear Gary
I've often stood in bank queues slowly losing my temper, but never would I have thought to use that experience to inflict cruel and unusual punishment on my customers.
Gary, I think you're a strange man, and I'm not quite sure whether you are aware of that fact.
I will give you one piece of advice, if you ever get sick of Dunedoo, I'll put you in touch with Gunther, I'm sure he'll be pleased to hear from you.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I recently attended a very moving ceremony during which a most deserving recipient was awarded the title of Mr South Coast Dairy Foods.
On the way home I began thinking that our industry should, for the benefit of all, institute our own "night of nights" and bestow the crown of "Mr Saddler" on some lucky person.
In your opinion, who in our trade should be honoured with such an accolade?
Bear in mind, the responsibilities involved in being Mr Saddler calls for a person of the highest moral and civic standards so the choice should not be made lightly.
After all, we all remember the time "Mr Man Made Food Additives" locked himself in a toilet at the Mogo fete, after being invited to officially open it.
And, to add insult to injury, he began singing, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" at the top of his voice as his stand-in attempted to open the fete in his absence.
So as you can see, it is an important position and I plan to think long and hard before I cast my vote.
As I intend to float this idea among our colleagues, I hope you can let me know your opinion quickly.
John H. NSW.

Dear John H.,
It stinks. That quick enough for you John?
For starters, you should know by now that I'm a new-age guy and as such would have to insist on also crowning a "Ms Saddlery". And maybe I'm right in thinking the world - let alone the industry - is not ready for the mind-boggling sight of having Mr and Ms Saddlery, in full regalia, opening a fete.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I think I have a problem with my horse.
He seems totally oblivious to his surroundings, at times actually running into objects, through bushes, into buildings, cars, floats, trees, creeks, fences and even into the local parish priest.
Do you think he might be blind? Or could he be, as my father insists, just plain stupid? Can you suggest any test I could give him to work out what his problem is?
T.H. Bungendore.

Dear T.H.,
Try this for starters. Put on a very brightly-coloured hat, a pair of your father's oversized pants and wrap yourself from your waist to your neck in alfoil. Once you've done this, stand in front of your horse, and without making a sound, dance for 10 minutes. If he doesn't react at all in that time, he's blind ... or stupid ... or both!

Dear Saddler Sam,
As a last resort I am writing to you to try and find out how to contact someone representative of the saddlery industry. You seem to be the only person that has an overview of your old and honourable trade.
Have you thought of getting together with fellow saddlers and forming an association or lobby group of some kind? It would give someone like me a central contact who could point me in the right direction.
It could campaign for industry standards and be extremely beneficial in the education of Australia's horse riding public.
I can't imagine it would be very hard to start and run, as a matter of fact, my son has already offered to do it. He's only 12 but he's very bright and I can't see why a 12 year old couldn't run it successfully.
It's just a thought but please let me know if you like the idea and would support it.
T.H. Victoria.

Dear T.H.
Boy, would the Saddlers and Harness Makers Association like to get their hands on you!
You see T.H. the association you speak of as something that may help our industry has been operating in Australia for over 15 years.
What's more, they have a monthly column in this very magazine. And now you come out and say it's a good idea and could be run by a 12 year old.
I'll let the association know about our idea, if they don't lynch you they may offer you a job as publicity officer.

Dear Saddler Sam,
How do you get away with being so awful?
Month by month I read your column and every month I read your cynical replies. Frankly, I'm amazed you still appear each issue. I keep waiting to open ASN and read you had been beaten up by an irate letter writer.
I may be able to help with your attitude problem. I follow the teachings of Daniel Ghandi and I recommend you do the same. Daniel, the lesser known of the Ghandi brothers taught that ridicule and insults should only be used for good, and not in anger. He was famous for saying "If who you see is stupid, they have a right to know." He lived life criticising and insulting all he met to enrich and enlighten their lives. I'll send you a copy of his writings and hopefully you'll see your caustic replies could actually be used for good.
Mary, Rockhampton.

Dear Mary,
I must admit I haven't caught up with Daniel's work, although I have to say he sounds like my kind of guy.
But just think, wouldn't you have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Ghandi's Christmas get together.
Old Mahatma apologising to everyone for not eating and Daniel letting fly to all and sundry about how much the food stunk!
Oh yeah, I could learn a lot from that guy.
But one thing is for sure, I don't need a book to insult most of the crazies that write to me - You fruitcake.

Dear Saddler Sam,
What are the regulations regarding the taking of tea-breaks? I have been having a running battle with my workers as to the length and frequency of these stops, so I finally decided to ask Saddler Sam.
As we have all agreed to bide by what you tell us, please print this letter and your reply. The smooth running of our workshop depends on it.
Bill, Wagga.

Dear Bill,
Well, the pressure is on, isn't it. But have no fear, I can help you! To start with the frequency, The Saddler's Handbook says on page 24, paragraph 12 section 3:11, "....when the saddler, in regard to his or her mental state, decides that a respite from work is a more suitable option than destroying work in progress or physically harming a fellow worker, he or she shall remove themselves a safe distance from the workplace and partake in some variety of addiction-forming substance."
As to the length of the break, the old handbook says on page 45, paragraph 2, section 2:19, "....depending on the efficiency of one's water boiling apparatus, a break may range up to 36 minutes and be not less than seven minutes. Note: If the saddler's beverage of choice requires the infusion of water into dried exotic leaves, the break may extend until infusion reaches a level satisfactory to the said saddler.
I hope this helps you and your workers Bill.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I have a problem with a couple of trees outside my shop.
One of them is on the nature strip and the other on my neighbour's land, and they do nothing but drop leaves which require constant sweeping.
I have asked the council to get rid of the trees, but they tell me it is against the law to harm them in any way.
Can you suggest anything I can do to fix this problem (if you get my drift). Name and address withheld.

Dear Name and address withheld,
Are you suggesting you wish to poison the trees anonymously, Mr Peter Wills, of 24 Campbell St, Everidge?
Because if you, with a phone number of 1012889, are contemplating that, I would recommend you make sure you do it under cover of darkness. You never know who may not appreciate your actions, especially since where you live at 323 Abbot St, Allendale, is a close-knit area, and as you know "loose lips sink ships".
But, answering your question Name and address withheld, whose wife Laura works at the D.S.S., Allendale office, I suggest you ask your local nursery for advice.
That would in fact be Lewis in Fine St, to whom I have sent a copy of this letter to so he can determine how best to help you. I hope I've been of help.

Dear Saddler Sam,
My son has shown some interest in becoming a saddler, consequently he has asked me to look into it.
I have asked around and looked into as many shops as possible, and I'm now seeking your advice as to whether a career in saddlery would be satisfying and lucrative for my son.
You can also put my mind at ease over a slight concern about the tools and knives you use in the plying of your trade.
They appear to be very sharp and quite dangerous and would, I believe, require some modification before I consider them safe for my son to use.
Can you see to it the tools used in your industry are all rendered incapable of endangering the health of the user?
I know I'd be a lot happier if my son came home each day with all his body parts still intact.
Concerned mum, Melbourne

Dear Concerned Mum,
Normally I would say a career in saddlery is very satisfying, but for your son, definitely not!
Maybe he'd be okay, but in my opinion there's not a workshop in Australia that would have the stomach to put up with a raving mother demanding the use of rubber knives and blunt awls.
What do you think we get up to in this trade? Ritual dismemberment? Sadistic work practises designed to inflict maximum pain and punishment? Perhaps in the dark ages such things occurred, but we now live in more enlightened times, and really, I haven't seen anything like that for months.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I am writing on behalf of the 42 children you let down and disappointed last weekend. Just in case you don't remember, please let me refresh your memory.
Over three months ago I wrote inviting you to attend, as our "celebrity" guest, the local pony club's annual gymkhana and presentation day.
You replied, telling us you would "be honoured" and "would love to come". Since then, our members have spent many hours developing and practising a welcoming routine for your arrival.
But, "Mr Celebrity", you didn't arrive, did you?
We had a pre-arranged signal telling the children to begin their routine and start singing the song, "We're happy to see you Saddler Sam" to the tune of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home."
This happened no fewer than four times.
The children were really shattered, not to mention the fact they were left without anyone to perform the formalities of the day to.
Eventually we found the local postman hanging around, so we gave him the duties, but as he knew nothing about horses, the day degenerated into a farce with bleeding horses careering around the arena with rosettes pinned on to their chests.
I just hope you're happy, you bastard! I truly believe these children have been scarred for life and I hope they always remember who was responsible.
Furious, Newcastle.

Dear Furious,
That invitation was serious? I'm really sorry, but I thought it was a joke! You may not know this, but I do have some strange friends and it's not unthinkable that one of them could send me such an invitation and see me turn up at a bike convention or a nudist camp!
I know it probably doesn't help your kids, but that's the only reason I can provide for letting you down.

Once again, I'm very sorry for what happened and I can only say that had I known the true nature of the request, I would have attended.
Besides, it sounds like I missed a real good laugh and that makes me sad.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I have been an avid reader of your column since its inception and have formed a fairly good opinion of your attitudes.
What has become apparent lately is how similar these values are to mine. So, have you ever thought of going into politics? I believe a man with your attitude and no-nonsense approach would be a breath of fresh air.
I know of many more readers who agree with me and would gladly give you their vote. So how about it? Saddler Sam M.P. It has a ring to it. Gary, Freemantle.

Dear Gary, Thankyou very much for your kind endorsement but I don't think Australian politics is quite ready for me.......yet!
Besides, I don't have the essential skill of being able to talk without actually saying anything.
But perhaps the possibility of entering into a situation that many may see as being one of multitude, although at this point in time, the future as I see it, and let me be perfectly clear about this, is one of great importance, and as such, is subject to full and frank openness. One musn't forget that. I'm sure that sums things up for you.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I have a problem with a customer who causes disruption every time he comes into my store.
Normally I would say that any customer is a good one, but this person is just too much.
For want of a better term, I'll describe him as being "intellectually challenged," and while he is quite friendly and harmless, is also very loud.
He also has a bad habit of interrupting conversations (all potential sales I might add) with meaningless, garbled and disjointed sentences.
I try to ignore him but my customers find it disconcerting, and I'm sure I'm losing sales. I have unsuccessfully asked him to leave and not return. Can you help me? If you can suggest anything I would be most grateful.
Desperate, Victoria.

Dear Desperate,
Yes I can help you. This is something I have come up against and seems to be a common problem in saddleries.
To begin with you are incorrect in labelling your visitor "intellectually challenged."
You will find he, like others of his type, are speakers of a variation of the English language called "Cretin."
These cretin speakers are loath to share the secrets of their language, but after exhaustive research, I became fairly fluent in the tongue and will let you know some useful phrases.
Some important things to note about the cretin language. First, it must be spoken very loudly, preferably in a confined space. Secondly, it must sound (to all who don't understand it) like complete nonsense. Thirdly, it is nearly always a one-sided conversation, with the cretin speaker attempting to extract maximum embarrassment from the listener. The last point is interesting and worth noting - it is very rare to see or hear two cretins talking to one another.
But, back to your problem, the following are phrases that will get your message across.
First, and remember it must be spoken loudly, say to him: "My grasshopper's surfboard has gone to university." This means: "Will you please leave my shop." If that doesn't work, say to him: "Your dog has just swallowed a blast furnace." This means: "If you don't keep quiet, I will get angry!"
If neither of these work, try saying: "Battery, battery, will you eat my prawns?" This means: "I am going upstairs to get a baseball bat, and if you are still here when I get back, I will use it on your buttocks." I hope this is of some help.

On a personal note, I would like to thank all my readers who visited me at the ASN stand at the recent AETA trade fair.
It is great to meet so many people, and although it was tiring, I was very glad to stay back on my extended signing session.
One final thought, I hope the woman who had me autograph her skin (you know who you are and where I signed) has washed by now. I know you said you would never wash that spot again, but in your own best interest I think it would be wise.

Dear Saddler Sam,
About eight months ago, the road outside my store developed a fairly large pot-hole. It came in the worst possible spot and is responsible for numerous minor accidents, near accidents and breakdowns.
After repeated requests, the council eventually came and filled it in. It was only after that, I noticed a drop in my turnover.
Upon further investigation, I discovered my takings had, in fact, increased while the pot-hole was wreaking damage on the locals.
I then remembered the number of people who came into my shop to either complain or call for help, and many of them must have bought something while they were in. This gave me an idea, and one night under the cover of darkness I went out and dug it up to test my theory.
After it was repaired, I went over my figures and sure enough the same thing happened - the pot-hole was good for business!
Since then I have dug up the hole, and then seen it repaired, seven times, and I'm now a little worried that my nocturnal excavations may be discovered, which brings me to my question.
Can you suggest anything I could do that would keep the road in disrepair without raising suspicion.
I would be very grateful if you could help as I am worried about being caught by the authorities.
Road Digger, New South Wales (Name and address withheld)

Dear Road Digger, If I were you, it wouldn't be the authorities I'd be worrying about. Remember last April, a particularly angry person marching into your store ranting about 'lousy councils' and 'crappy roads' while bemoaning the destruction of one of his brand new tires?
And do you also remember commenting on this person's apparent knowledge of the saddlery trade?
Well put two and two together pal, because after reading your letter, I figure you owe me big time for not printing your address. After you cough up for the new tyre, I'll try and put a figure on the cost of my emotional 'scarring'.

Dear Saddler Sam,
Please find enclosed a cassette tape of me performing some of my favourite songs. I hope you enjoy listening.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I've sent it to you. In fact, I've been toying with the idea for some time now.
I want to promote myself as 'The Singing Saddler'.
I think you might agree that I have a fairly good voice, and given the right situation, I believe the concept of people watching a saddler ply his trade while he belts out a tune is a good one.
I'd appreciate your opinion and any suggestions you may wish to offer.
T.H. Cairns

Dear T.H.,
You don't know the amount of trepidation involved when I placed your tape in my player.
I made sure I was alone and had an empty stomach before I summoned up enough courage to actually push the 'play' button. But, to my immense surprise and utter relief, it wasn't all that bad. In fact, it was 'listenable' and, if the recording is a true representation of your singing talents, I'd say your idea could very nearly work.
One thing I would give thought to is your choice of material. Your voice has that unmistakeable country and western twang and would suit songs from that genre, not 'nightclub' songs.
For instance, although it suits your style, many people would not appreciate someone singing 'shoot 'em, shoot 'em, pick 'em up and boot 'em' in the chorus of 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning'.
The same would apply to your rendition of 'Georgia' in which you inserted the lines '....a state without a care, and yahoo, they've still got the electric chair.' I hope you will take my advice and think more about your material. Good luck.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I hope you don't mind me writing, but you seem to be fairly open-minded and well read, and you may be my last hope.
Since the start of the year, my seven-year-old son has come home from school sprouting very foul language.
We haven't been able to find out who is teaching him these words nor have we had any success in stopping him using them.
To show you how serious this is, I have included a list of words numbered one to 20. Just last week my son called me a number 17, his sister a 4 and my father-in-law a 13-ing 6!
I'm sure you will agree that I'm justified in being shocked and in need of advice. What can I do to stop him?
Worried Parent, Brisbane.

Dear Worried Parent,
If the list is indicative of what your son is saying, that's some vocabulary he has. I've been around a bit, but there are some words there I haven't even heard. Mind you, I've been called a number 8 plenty of times, and I've heard Mrs Sam, in moments of exasperation, let slip a number 12.
But on a more serious note, I was once told that: "if I didn't 14 move 3 quickly, I would be very number 7 and probably have to 18 and 2 while I number 15-ed." As a matter of fact, that gives me an idea.
Explain to your son the actual physical meaning of the words and then threaten him with the same thing. That'll bring tears to his eyes and stop him - it did with me!

Dear Saddler Sam,
I have a staff problem, or more precisely, with a certain staff member. I really hope you can help me either change his attitude or suggest a way to get rid of him.
The problem is that although he's a very good worker, he just can't seem to change his thinking from his last job.
You see, he's an ex-policeman and is having trouble treating customers as people and not as suspects.
Recently, I had to stop him telling a group of people to "please disperse," pushing a five-year-old up against a wall and warning him that "continuing such behaviour will result in your ejection from these premises."
He reduced a 14-year-old girl to tears by describing in graphic detail what happens to an unprotected head in a heavy impact accident.
Quite frankly, he frightens me. What can I do to get rid of him with the least amount of trouble?
Paul, Victoria.

Dear Paul,
You've got to stand up to him and let him know who's boss. Tell him to tone down his macho behaviour or you'll put him in his place. The last thing he'll feel is your boot on his backside as he's sent through the front door.
If this doesn't work, run away, because he'll sure as hell beat the stuffing out of you.

Dear Saddler Sam,
Perhaps you might be able to help me. I have been looking for somewhere that still puts on line dancing, and after a fruitless search, I have come to the conclusion the craze is dying down.
What happened to line dancing? Is it starting to lose its popularity, and if so, why? It seems it was just getting accepted by the mainstream and about to take off when it lost its impetus.
I'm a fan and value your opinion.
Kevin, Wollongong.

Dear Kevin, Thank you for your letter. I would be happy to give you my opinion on the apparent demise of line dancing. In two words, Thank goodness! The best thing that can be said is that it may have increased sales of large ugly buckles, western boots and tasteless shirts.
Actually, I am reminded of a quote from one of this country's leading intellectuals who described line dancing as "a bunch of gormless idiots fulfilling their destiny."
I hope I have helped you and best of luck finding somewhere to "scoot your boots," or whatever it is you do.

Dear Saddler Sam, This might be out of your line, but I hope you can help me. It's getting to the stage when I'll try anything to find a female companion so I sent you a photo in the hope you will put it in your column along with my personal details.
It's very hard finding the "right" person in this industry, and when I think that I actually chose this trade on the advice of another saddler, I get mightily dissappointed.
In fact, the saddler in question went as far as calling the trade a "babe magnet" and complaining of too much attention from his female customers. I mean, I had the choice of going into saddlery or becoming a soft drink deliverer and I chose saddlery because of the better chance of meeting someone. I hope you can assist me because at the moment the soft drinks are looking pretty good.
D and D, Victoria.

Dear D and D,
"Babe magnet"? I've heard saddlery called a lot of things in my time but never that.
As to your request, I'm sorry but I really can't put your photo and details in this column. I hope you'll understand it would probably open the floodgates, and I would end up doing nothing else but a lonely hearts page.
Besides there are other publications in which you can do that.
One piece of advice I will give, the next time you have your photo taken, don't leave your tongue hanging out and remember to button up your shirt above the navel.
But apart from that, the soft drink delivery trade don't realise what they lost.

Dear Saddler Sam.
I have been a horse owner and rider for some time now, and have been dealing with a member of your profession on and off.
So I wish to voice my concern regarding the prices being charged by some of your saddler friends for relatively simple repairs.
I bring this to your attention in the hope you might, as a person of some influence, advise your cohorts they are in danger of charging themselves out of business. I'll give you an example.
Just last week I took a pair of stirrup leathers to my local saddler to have the old rusty buckles replaced with stainless steel.
First, he made me wait a further 30 minutes after telling me they would be ready, and to add insult to injury, he charged me $10 dollars.
Now, I know when I'm being ripped off, and I told him in no uncertain manner what he could do with his $10 dollar charge.
What concerns me is that not all people are as knowledgeable and well informed as I am and there are some out there who would have simply paid him.
Could you try and get through to these people they aren't plumbers or electricians, they are saddlers!
T.H. Queensland.

Dear T.H,
Dear readers, how are you? I hope you are all well. Are you having a break over the Christmas holidays? I hope so. I'll admit to looking forward to a nice holiday at Christmas although much of my time off will be taken up working around the house.........oh, I'm sorry T.H. I wandered off there for a minute and haven't responded to your letter.
Get stuffed.
I hope this is of help.

Dear Saddler Sam,
I was recently given an old poster by a friend who knew I was involved in the saddlery trade.
It's advertising a performance by a number of acts in an alternative lifestyle festival. Now this may not sound too interesting, but when I tell you about two of the acts, you might change your mind.
The first on the bill is "Sam, the Saddler" who, according to the blurb, "wields knives with the finesse of a painter and his brush."
But, more intriguing to me, is the act listed on the bottom of the poster and the photo accompanying it.
It is headed "The Mud Wrestling Accountant," and from the description of their act, little is left to the imagination.
What caught my eye was that upon close inspection the "Two Accountants" bear an uncanny resemblance to two very well known and respected saddlery identities. My questions are:
Are you "Sam the Saddler" described on the poster?
Do you know anything about the festival?
Are the "Two Accountants" who I think they are, and if so, should I contact our trade association?
I would be very interested in your reply.
Name and address withheld, NSW

Dear N and A W, I am aware of the festival you are talking about, but no, the saddler mentioned is not me.
I think someone has just borrowed my name to try to give their act some credence.
The other act you described is a mystery to me. I thought I understood most of the captains of our industry, but who's to say what people get up to in their spare time. So I'm really sorry I can't help you.
I recommend you show the poster around a few of the more "dubious" nightspots and see if any of the clients there can shed any light on the accountants' identities.

Dear Saddler Sam
My horse has always had a problem with atmosphere at shows. Whether it's the crowds or all the other horses, I don't know.
As soon as we hit the showground, he becomes skittish almost to the point of being uncontrollable.
My instructor has suggested I take my horse to a hypnotist who specialises in animals. I have never heard of horses being hypnotised, and although I'm somewhat sceptical, I'm reaching a point where I am willing to give almost anything a chance.
Before I do, I thought I'd ask someone who will know whether this will work and whose opinion I respect. I hope you can help me Sam. I'm very confused and could really do with some advice.
J.M.Sutherland, QLD

Dear J.M.
Thanks for the letter, and I really appreciate that you value my opinion so much. Hypnosis on horses has been around for a while, and when done correctly, can be quite beneficial, so I guess you can file it under the heading of "it can't hurt". In fact I became quite interested in it a few years ago. One of the horses I hypnotised gave up smoking, another lost 15 kilos and another managed to go on to become quite a polished public speaker.

Dear Saddler Sam
What do you think of the rash of selling programs and regimes? I for one have had enough of them, but would be interested in your opinion.
What prompted this letter was the last sales ritual my boss dropped on all the staff. He insisted on installing a 44-gallon drum at the entrance of the shop and painted a big red butterfly on it. That was bad enough, but then he made everyone stand in front of it as they arrived each morning and say: "Hello Barry Din Din."
We questioned him on the significance of the painting and why it was called this, but all he would say was that it was a very important part of the selling program.
Am I living in the deep dark past, or is this sort of thing the future of retailing?
Chris, Victoria

Dear Chris
Are your seriously asking me that a big red butterfly called Barry Din Din is the direction of retail trading?
Get your boss seen to as soon as possible, and if you ever see him in conversation with the drum after everyone's left work, quit immediately.

Dear Saddler Sam
My horse has always had a problem with atmosphere at shows. Whether it's the crowds or all the other horses, I don't know.
As soon as we hit the showground, he becomes skittish almost to the point of being uncontrollable.
My instructor has suggested I take my horse to a hypnotist who specialises in animals. I have never heard of horses being hypnotised, and although I'm somewhat sceptical, I'm reaching a point where I am willing to give almost anything a chance.
Before I do, I thought I'd ask someone who will know whether this will work and whose opinion I respect. I hope you can help me Sam. I'm very confused and could really do with some advice.
J.M.Sutherland, QLD

Dear J.M.
Thanks for the letter, and I really appreciate that you value my opinion so much. Hypnosis on horses has been around for a while, and when done correctly, can be quite beneficial, so I guess you can file it under the heading of "it can't hurt". In fact I became quite interested in it a few years ago. One of the horses I hypnotised gave up smoking, another lost 15 kilos and another managed to go on to become quite a polished public speaker.

Dear Saddler Sam
What do you think of the rash of selling programs and regimes? I for one have had enough of them, but would be interested in your opinion.
What prompted this letter was the last sales ritual my boss dropped on all the staff. He insisted on installing a 44-gallon drum at the entrance of the shop and painted a big red butterfly on it. That was bad enough, but then he made everyone stand in front of it as they arrived each morning and say: "Hello Barry Din Din."
We questioned him on the significance of the painting and why it was called this, but all he would say was that it was a very important part of the selling program.
Am I living in the deep dark past, or is this sort of thing the future of retailing?
Chris, Victoria

Dear Chris
Are your seriously asking me that a big red butterfly called Barry Din Din is the direction of retail trading?
Get your boss seen to as soon as possible, and if you ever see him in conversation with the drum after everyone's left work, quit immediately.

If you have any questions email Saddler Sam and he will answer in our next update! Also availble are signed copies of "The Complete Works of Saddler Sam Volume I" simply email Saddler Sam and he will send you more details.


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